Flight: An Abridged Script
by somedayangeline
Summary: It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a metaphor!


FLIGHT: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

INT. THE BEDROOM OF POST-COITAL BLISS

DENZEL a.k.a. "WHIP WHITAKER" WASHINGTON is on the phone bitching to his ex. while the camera makes love to NADINE VELAZQUEZ'S BREASTS.

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"….blah blah blah alimony, blah blah blah private school cakes…..blah blah bad absentee dad!"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(hangs up)  
"Hand me my COKE, will you? And put some clothes on or you'll freeze."

NADINE VELAZQUEZ  
"I think my breasts might be a metaphor. Or a plot device. Either way, the audience is probably enjoying them."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Never mind, just gimme my COKE."

He SNORTS some. He is READY!

SOUNDTRACK  
"Da-da-da-da-da!"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Hey, I get my own THEME MUSIC! Cool!"

INT. THE ILL-FATED PRE-FLIGHT AIRPLANE

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(settles into cockpit)  
"Hello…why are you staring at me like that? I'm totally fine!"

BRIAN GERAGHTY  
"Maybe because you look hungover but are trying to disguise it by wearing snazzy shades?"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"What a kidder!"

The PLANE begins to DIP and LURCH.

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(under breath)  
"When a problem comes along…You must WHIP it!"

BRIAN GERAGHTY  
"GOD, I put myself solely in Your hands."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Now WHIP it! Into shape! Shape up!"

TAMARA TUNIE  
"Excuse me? Are we all going to die? Should I tell our passengers to send last texts to their loved ones?"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Not if I fly this plane UPSIDE DOWN."

He DOES. It is COOL. Also a METAPHOR for his OUTLOOK on LIFE.

BRIAN GERAGHTY  
"Sir, there's a CHURCH up ahead - WATCH OUT!"

DENZEL plows through an edge of a CHURCH and lands in a SEA of FLAME!

INT. A HOSPITAL

OFFICIOUS PRICKS in SUITS  
"Sir, we need to ask you some questions."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(peering out under a blanket of bandages)  
"Um….who are you again?"

OFFICIOUS PRICKS in SUITS  
"Sir, you are UNDER INVESTIGATION because people DIED in the CRASH."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Hey, I almost died, too. I'm the real victim here."

OFFICIOUS PRICKS in SUITS  
"Frankly, we don't give a shit about that. Ha-ha."

Pan to hall

JOHN GOODMAN  
"Hey, I get my own THEME MUSIC, too! Pretty cool."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"JOHN, are you in this OSCAR-BAIT film solely to puncture its pretentiousness, the way you did in ARGO?"

JOHN GOODMAN  
"Yup. I'm the comic relief. Want some drugs?"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"I thought you'd never ask. See everyone keeps telling me to just say no, but they don't understand the pressures of being a pilot."

JOHN GOODMAN  
"Well, now you'll never pay for another drink! Good times, man!"

INT. AN OFFICE

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm in trouble and maybe should get myself some legal representation."

DON CHEADLE  
"Don't worry, I'm your UNCOOL ATTORNEY who'll help you even though you're a prick and KILLED a few people."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Well, it was the AIRLINE'S FAULT for giving me a FAULTY PLANE."

DON CHEADLE  
"That's an interesting explanation….Personally, I think we should go with an ACT of GOD CLAUSE."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Whatever, Encyclopedia Brown."

To prove he is not a TOTAL DOUCHE, DENZEL rescues junkie KELLY REILLY from her ABUSIVE EX and installs her in the HOME where he GREW UP, where he has holed up to escape from the MEDIA and the OFFICIOUS PRICKS in SUITS, who don't understand how STRESSFUL this whole INVESTIGATION THING is for him, damn it!

INT. THE CABIN OF DENIAL

KELLY REILLY is busy GETTING HIGH.

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Jeepers, maybe you shouldn't do so many DRUGS. They're, like, supposed to be bad for you or something."

KELLY REILLY  
"Where do you think I got the stuff. I learned it from, YOU, DENZEL, YOU!"

Pauses.  
"No, really, I'm going to an AA MEETING. I need help."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Suit yourself."

INT. A FUNERAL

ADORABLE MOPPET  
"You saved my MOMMY'S LIFE, which is all that matters."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Aw, gee shucks, I guess I'm just a hero."

TAMARA TUNIE  
"DENZEL, people are going to ask me about you."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Yeah?"

TAMARA TUNIE  
"So, I'm gonna tell them the truth."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"The truth is that I'm a VICTIM! Why does no one grasp that! I'm gonna go sulk in my Cabin of Oedipal Issues some more."

TAMARA TUNIE  
"Well, I might consider bending the truth, just to add some drama to this movie."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"If you do, I'll be your best friend!"

INT. A PLACE WITH PLANES

DON CHEADLE  
"Good news! I got your toxicology report totally invalidated, so no one can prove you were high."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Good. Even though I wasn't."

DON CHEADLE  
"Plus, I found out that the airplane sprung a big leak awhile back, and someone tried to repair it with Super Glue and duct tape, which resulted in your plane going haywire."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Told ya so!"

DON CHEADLE  
"Oh, and they also tested a bunch of SOBER pilots in a simulation and not one of them managed to save as many people as YOU did."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Plus with the ACT of GOD CLAUSE, I'm all set!"

DON CHEADLE  
(under breath)  
"If there is a God, why didn't HE stop this movie from getting green lighted?"

DENZEL gets trashed and makes an ass of himself visiting his ex and son, which then prompts him to try and GET SOBER COLD TURKEY.

INT. A HOTEL ROOM

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Don't worry, I haven't had any COKE. I'm totally sober and ready to TESTIFY tomorrow."

DENZEL goes to sleep, then wakes up. He wanders into an UNOCCUPED SUITE, and checks out the booze situation.

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(stares wide-eyed into mini-fridge)  
"Whoa - JACKPOT!"

He drinks some. He passes out. The AUDIENCE wishes they could, too.

INT. THE MORNING AFTER

DON CHEADLE  
"He's trashed. And he's got to TESTIFY. We're screwed."

OTHER LAWYER GUY  
"Not if we get JOHN GOODMAN!"

SOUNDTRACK  
"Da-da-da-da-da!"

JOHN GOODMAN  
"Hey, there. Have some DRUGS!"

DENZEL snorts some. He is READY!

MAVERICK AUDIENCE MEMBER  
"Is it me, or is this MOVIE basically chasing its own tail?"

DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS  
"Well, that's what ADDICTION is. Pointless, repetitive and frustrating - particularly for those who watch loved ones struggle with it."

MAVERICK AUDIENCE MEMBER  
"Touche!"

INT. A COURTROOM

LAWYER  
"This may be news to you, but NADINE VELAZQUEZ was an ADDICT."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(says nothing)

LAWYER  
"So since she was on the FLIGHT, too, it was probably HER VODKA BOTTLE they found in the wreckage, right? Right, right, right, right, right?"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(says nothing)

LAWYER  
"Plus considering she has PERKY BREASTS, she's probably a BIG SLUT, too? Breasts plus booze equals pure evil! Right?'

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"No, wait, it was all MY FAULT! NADINE VELAZQUEZ is HONORABLE and had nothing to do with the mess. You see, the night before, I did enough COKE to put an elephant in a coma, plus I was DRINKING."

MAVERICK AUDIENCE MEMBER  
"Wait, what about the ACT of GOD CLAUSE? And the chewing gum repaired plane?"

DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS  
"Shsssh."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
(as the camera zooms in on his pores and the music swells dramatically)  
"I am a BAD PERSON, and I must ATONE in JAIL."

DON CHEADLE  
"Sir, I strongly recommend you shut the hell up!"

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"The movie's title is a METAPHOR, and I have been in FLIGHT all along! Only by being grounded, will I find the courage to be truly free. Even jailed!"

DON CHEADLE  
"Looks like we have our OSCAR CLIP, folks."

DENZEL WASHINGTON  
"Also, I owe $80 in unpaid traffic tickets!"

The MOVIE continues for ANOTHER TEN MINUTES, to HAMMER HOME that DENZEL was in deep denial and needed a big wakeup call, and that kids, is why ALCOHOL (or DRUGS) is bad for you. If SOMEONE OFFERS YOU ALCOHOL (or DRUGS), JUST SAY NO!

END


End file.
